(THIS POST WILL REMAIN UP UNTIL ANOTHER PIECE HAS BEEN RECEIVED!)
Jeph stepped out of his taxi after paying the driver, and looked towards the sky. The overcast weather made it hard to see the higher reaches of the building, it seemed to continue on up past the clouds. Feeling a cold wind, he popped up his collar around his neck and entered into the lobby.
Jeph stepped out of his taxi after paying the driver, and looked towards the sky. The overcast weather made it hard to see the higher reaches of the building, it seemed to continue on up past the clouds. Feeling a cold wind, he popped up his collar around his neck and entered into the lobby.
After confirming his meeting with the receptionist, she directed him to the elevator. The door was already open when he went up to it, and upon entering he noticed a short, pale man wearing a suit waiting inside.
“Ah, the elevator attendant.” he thought to himself.
“Which floor, sir?” The man asked, looking up at him.
“Uh…” Jeph plucked a business card from his jacket pocket and double-checked the glossy letters on the front. “The C & H marketing firm, please. The lady up front said you would know what floor it‘s on.”
“Yes sir, right away, sir.” The man punched in a combination of buttons on the unusually large console. The doors closed and Jeph could feel the compartment start to climb slowly.
“You must know this thing like the back of your hand.” Said Jeph quizzically, pointing at the panel of buttons. “You could get lost just trying to find the right floor.”
“Positively. This is quite the building.” The man continued looking ahead.
“Just exactly how many floors does this place have?” Pondered Jeph, aloud.
“Three thousand, exactly.”
The two sat in the awkward silence for a moment. The sound of the floors clicking by rattled in his ears.
“…That’s… quite a few.”
“Yes, sir.”
“And how far does this particular elevator go?”
“All the way, sir.”
“And the others?”
“The other elevators as well.”
“That's amazing, are all the floors occupied? How long does it take to go to the top?”
“Most floors are being used. The company you're looking for, C and H marketing, uses floors eight-sixty-four and sixty-five. Below that is an art studio shared by several artists. Above is an office for a small supplier of coffee beans who sell to some of the local shops, it's run by a young entrepreneur.”
Jeph thought of the cup of decaf he bought earlier that morning. Suddenly, he heard a ding and the doors slid open, revealing a long hallway. At the end as a sign on the wall with a picture of the intertwined C and H of a company logo. He stepped outside and turned to face the man.
“Thank you, it was nice talking to you.” He said, waiving, then turning away.
The man waived, and Jeph started to walk away. Suddenly, he stopped and turned back around. “Wait, what was your name-”
The door was already closed to all but just a crack by then, the man out of sight.
As I read this piece I find myself wondering, what IS THIS BUILDING?! In the text you wrote.
ReplyDelete"Just exactly how many floors does this place have?” Pondered Jeph, aloud.
“Three thousand, exactly.”
Ok maybe you wern't looking for a building that big, for a scale the empire state building has 102 floors and it is one of the tallest buildings on earth. A Three-thousand floor building must be to the top of everest. I found that part to be quite unbeleivable, but maybe that was just a mistake of numbers. Or perhaps you ment it? When I first began reading and I reached the elevator I thought maybe it was figurative, like the "elevator that can go to heavan" or something. Thinking perhaps he died. But he gets off at a seemingly uninteresting floor, for a marketing firm. The only thing I think you could impove upon would be the thing I have to constantly tell myself, are you wrtiting a script, or a book? This piece feels like a script mainly because most of the action is told by the voices of the characters, and not that of a narrator. You could simply make it into script format to fix the problem, or add a few bits of detail from the narrator. Lastly, i would like to know where you are going with this piece, although it was short, I still want to know what happens next, does he go to the coffe shop? Is he going to explore all THREE-THOUSAND FLOORS?! Keep going and let me know!
Does he fidget while the elevator is moving? Is there any smooth jazz playing? What's happening inside of the elevator?! You should make the elevator ride longer and have them talk about different things, like the history of the 3000 floor building, or the setting of the world they're in. Just random chit-chat to fill out the world they live in. Keep going! I want to know more!
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